The Horse and Stables
124 Westminster Bridge Road
Thursday 26th March 2015
Belly Laughs Comedy
13 Surrey Street
Tom Greeves is a writer, stand-up comedian and actor. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @tomgreeves
God first spoke to him on a Tuesday morning in September. It had been shaping up to be a perfectly ordinary week for a perfectly ordinary man - a week of shuffling papers around his desk, of doing his dull job effectively and well. A week of days which would all end at 5:30 pm sharp and see him return to his bedsit for an evening of reading and a simple home-made meal for one. A week in which, as ever, few people would look twice at a balding man of medium height and medium build. His own neighbours barely knew him, and they were sufficiently incurious as to enquire no further when he told them that he was a civil servant.
The man was quite content to live such an anonymous life. He knew almost all of his friends from school, university, or work. That was nothing to get depressed about: a person could consider themselves lucky if they had five or six really close friends. He took pride in being quietly, almost silently, competent at his work. Those who needed to knew he was completely reliable. His pay was modest, but the security of a civil service job and generous pension arrangements had much to recommend them. He wanted for nothing other than a wife.
He was as aware as anyone that he was a wholly unremarkable man.
Yet God had picked him out and spoken to him, chosen him above all others. And the meaning of what He had said to the man was utterly straightforward. This was not, after all, an obscurantist God who couched His wishes in complex metaphors. What He had told the man was unmistakable. He had told him to kill people.
Naturally, this had come as quite a shock. One moment he had been looking at a spreadsheet, the next God was telling him to kill two people. The man had never, not for one moment, anticipated such a turn of events. It is actually less than likely that a soldier will be asked to kill anybody. It is rarer still for civil servants.
But he had heard God’s wishes as clear as a bell. This was not a suggestion; it was a command from on high. The world needed to be rid of two sinners and it was the man’s solemn duty to do the ridding.
That afternoon he looked around furtively at his colleagues. Travelling home on the Tube (having, as per usual, left work at 5:30 pm) he looked around at his fellow passengers. Could any of them tell? Could they tell just by looking at him what he was going to do?
Of course they couldn’t; he was being irrational. They didn’t know and they didn’t need to know. It was between him and God. They wouldn’t have understood anyway. Not that that mattered either. As long as God was on his side, he had nothing to worry about. And God was on his side – He had made that very clear. The man was an ally of God in the fight against evil.
The man resolved to be calm. That was essential. This was happening. He had to keep it together. He treated himself to a whisky that night, but just the one. He had to keep a permanently clear head. He had to remain sane and sober, not least because God could speak to him again at any time.
It began on Wednesday. One of the man’s colleagues was a woman in her mid-thirties. She was rather attractive. He had never spoken to her, but from time to time they would pass each other in the corridor and she would smile at him warmly. Every time this happened he would feel a little surge of excitement. There was something undeniably life-affirming about being smiled at by a pretty woman.
Even if he had been able to pluck up the courage to chat her up, which was highly doubtful, she was off limits. He had rifled through her file and learned that she was married. But he had also established - by discreetly following her home and watching her from across the road - that she was having an affair. Someone else took the view that she was not off limits, that her marriage vows were meaningless.
This affair had been carrying on for some months. Her lover was a full decade younger than her. He had been born in
The man, who was also pretty good with computers, had established all of this within a couple of hours.
On Wednesday lunch-time he left the office with a packed lunch and went to sit in the park. He sat somewhere quiet so he would be undisturbed if God wanted to speak to him again and so he could gather his thoughts. As he nibbled on his cheese sandwiches he watched people around him intently. He liked watching people.
Two runners ran by his bench. They were startlingly fit. They were laughing and joking as they sprinted past – hugely healthy and fundamentally happy in an uncomplicated way. They both wore figure-hugging specialist kit and the man briefly ran his eyes over the woman’s pleasing curves. How agreeable it would be to be married to someone as vital as that.
For now, though, he had another calling.
He went back to work and behaved in as regular a manner as always, albeit that his insides were churning. What he was going to do was God’s will, but it was nonetheless terrifying for that. He left, as ever, at 5:30 pm.
Thirty minutes later he was sitting in a church. It was empty, and he sat in one of the pews looking up to the altar. He wasn’t praying, but he was contemplative. He looked up at Christ on the cross, over to a plaque on the wall which had the names of men who had fallen in each of the world wars, and back at the altar. Perhaps God would speak to him again and give him further guidance. But He didn’t.
Later that night he was dressed in an old tracksuit and was sitting by a commercial dustbin. He was in a dark alley where there were no closed-circuit cameras. He knew that this was part of her route from her lover’s house to her own home. If he waited long enough, she would walk past. She never stayed the whole night, he knew that. Sure enough, some time after one in the morning she came along the alley.
It was foolish of her, he reflected, to walk down such a
She walked purposefully down the street; she did at least have the good sense to look confident. She ignored him – unrecognisable under a muddied face - when he asked her for some change. But she was helpless when he stood up behind her and put his arm around her neck. Even an averagely strong man is a formidable opponent when he attacks you from behind.
With one hand over her mouth and nose he squeezed the life out of her before she had time to register more than a moment’s intense panic. She didn’t even get the chance to kick out at him.
He dropped her corpse on the floor and studied it for a moment. Then he bent down and retrieved the keys from her handbag. He waited until his breathing had returned to close to normal and set out for her lover’s house.
Selecting the right key was always going to be the most difficult task. But with God’s command to stay calm at all times he held his nerve and found it by the process of elimination. He knew that her lover was going to be alone – a salary that handsome enabled a bachelor to live by himself even in the capital. If the man kept quiet, he had good reason to hope her lover would stay asleep.
So it proved. The man crept into the bedroom, taking light but deliberate strides. There was some Islamic art on the wall. Her lover was a man of God – but it was not the same god that the man followed. Not at all: her lover was going to die for his perverted, hypocritical beliefs. The man allowed himself a very quick look to confirm that he had the right person. A well-built, sporty man is a tricky proposition in a fight. It was essential, then, to never let him know he was in one.
The man reached over for a pillow and drove it home over her lover’s face. Mounted her lover and pressed with all his might. He died with surprising rapidity.
Then the man made his way out of the house and back to his bedsit. God did not speak to him. But then He didn’t need to ask if the man had done what he had been told to do; he already knew.
The next morning the man did what he knew he must: followed his usual routine. It was late in the afternoon before God finally spoke to him.
The man took the lift to a room on the fifth floor of his office. There sat James Latimer CMG, a senior director of MI5. Officially CMG stood for Companion of the Order of St Michael and St George. Unofficially it stood for Call Me God.
Latimer congratulated the man on a job exceptionally well done. He appreciated that being asked to clean up a mess like this in such a way was a tremendously demanding task. It was however, far better that the general public should never know that a female MI5 operative had been passing state secrets to an Islamic extremist.
Latimer told the man to take some time off and, ideally, to find himself a girlfriend. Latimer felt sure that there was someone nice in the building who the man could ask out – it wasn’t as though all female MI5 agents were corrupt.
The man thanked God for giving him the opportunity to undertake a job of such grave importance and then left the building – it was, after all, nearly 6 pm. As he strode along the Embankment the man smiled for the first time in over a week.