Tuesday, 30 June 2009

STAND-UP COMEDY


NB: Clicking on the links below may enable you to book tickets in advance.

Tuesday 30th June 2009 Baby Simple, 213 Cowley Road, Oxford OX4 1XF. 8:30pm start.
Sunday 26th July 2009 Story Pirates Sunday Party, MacBeth, Shoreditch. DETAILS TO BE ADDED.

Water, Water

Memo to Self:

Walking is every bit as wonderful as you blogged the other day, but there are members of the special forces who would have found it heavy going in this heat without water.

Wait until it's cooler or take a bottle with you next time. Duh!

Some dirty puddles were looking mighty tempting on the way back from Nether Worton today.

Monday, 29 June 2009

Podcast


I did a podcast with my friends Ben Walker and Xander Cansell the other day. We've called it the Poshcast.
Here it is.
Update: Apologies to Harry Hill / Peep Show for my describing heroin as "morish". Not my joke - didn't mean to nick it. Also to Fry and Laurie for the phrase "blowing spittle" in reference to wind instruments. Both phrases had obviously lodged themselves in my brain.
Always a danger of improv; always important to apologise afterwards.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Mighty Mark


I'm not sure what is going on here, but it seems as though Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina has decided to spend some time away from email and phone.
I can't say I think that's inevitably wrong. I often feel the need to go dark.
The Governor is a maverick. But I liked him a great deal when I met him in South Carolina, and I think he has a bold and interesting approach to running a state. You have to hand it to him - he walks the walk when it comes to fiscal conservatism (sleeping in his Capitol Hill office, saying that $700 million of federal aid should go on deficit reduction instead of public spending).
I hope all is well. I'd love to see Mark run for President, although it seems to me very unlikely that President Obama won't win a second term.
Update: He went to Argentina.
Further update: He has been having an affair. I know this will seem ludicrously naive, but I sensed goodness in Mark Sanford when I met him. I hope he and everyone involved - not least his family - can rebuild their lives.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Speaker Bercow


I must report that I have always found John Bercow to be thoroughly courteous and hardworking. I'm sure that he will bring both those qualities to his new job.

What should he do to reform Parliament? Here are a few suggestions:
Oversee a settled solution to MPs' salaries and expenses. The online publication of all claims (which has already been agreed) will reduce fraud, but proper conclusions need to be drawn about what is and what is not reasonable. Sir Christopher Kelly's proposals may well be first class, but I'm not sure that the House should agree to adopt them wholesale, sight unseen.
Rule MPs out of order when they use ministerial questions (including Prime Minister's Questions) to make partisan statements. In particular, Speaker Bercow should act as he means to go on this Wednesday by clamping down on any Labour backbencher who asks Gordon Brown "Does the Prime Minister agree with me that Government policy in my constituency has brought innumerable benefits and is in stark contrast to the failed policies of the party opposite?"
Do NOT change the "arcane" rules of the House (e.g. so that members refer to each other by name). They are all part of the charm of the place and that aspect of the system works perfectly well. It's been mucked around enough.
Feel free to go on television and give interviews about his role. Of course there are some areas where the Speaker must not venture, but letting people know what his job entails is a good idea.
Be scrupulously non-partisan and understand procedure. That would be a welcome improvement on his predecessor.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

ConservativeHome

Although I have ceased to edit ConservativeHome's Parliament page I am still a contributor to their CentreRight page.

I've just put a post up there.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Killing Time

Even with a sponge ball I can only manage three or four keepyuppies with my feet. But I can bounce it off my knuckles for ages.

It'd be nice to be able to juggle a football for minutes at a time, but I'm not prepared to put the effort in. I can't decide whether that's shameful or admirable.

Musings On T4


I saw Terminator Salvation (hereafter known as T4) last night.
I'm a fan of the franchise. I love Arnold Schwarzenegger, as any regular reader of the blog knows, and I can tolerate sci fi when it's clever and has a political dimension. T4 handles the unavailability of Arnold cleverly and well (he's got his hands full running his local parish council or something) and Christian Bale provides heavyweight credentials.
The whole experience was very agreeable. There are nights which you look forward to for weeks on end and then there are nights where a friend gets in touch to suggest you do something that evening. Often the latter are better because you get a perfect blend of anticipation and spontaneity.
Mark sent me a text heroically saying he would drive us there and back. (The world needs heroes, especially now the machines are taking over.) On the way I received the welcome news that Brian and Paul were joining us, along with Paul's brother John, aka 'Sid'. This was going to be an adventure.
I love cinemas. I'm fond of DVD too, but sometimes going to a theatre makes for more of an event. And action films lend themselves to the big screen. The movie was genuinely scary in parts. They got the balance between brilliant special effects and maintaining a decent plot right as well.
I have a talent for not guessing twists which means that I enjoy them when they come. I'm also easily confused by a complicated plot and I did need a little bit of help from the others in the post-film discussion. I don't think I'll ever be a screenwriter. But I just about understood what was what.
I'd recommend T4 as a return to form after T3, which I found dreadfully boring. Indeed it's possibly my second favourite of the four, after The Terminator, one of the best films I have ever seen. It resembles Withnail & I in one respect only: it's perfect.

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Do You Like This Blog?

If no, then SOD OFF.

If yes, how about telling someone about it? If you fancied emailing a friend (or three, or ten) with the address in the browser or tomgreeves.com which also links here) I'd be mighty grateful.

I'm going to post much more often than I had been, and I would love to get a bigger readership.

Thanks in advance for being so adorable about it.

Oh But I CAN Say That

I had supper with an old friend last night, and the subject turned to state-sponsored murder.

He made the salient point that if the state has to do these things, then by definition they need to be done off the record, and that means that they have to be done outwith the law. This being so, if people get caught they can have no recourse to the law.

This got me thinking about politically incorrect humour.

I think what David Cameron says in the clip below (where he adopts a mock-German accent) is fine and also that it's funny. I agree with those who say that we shouldn't get our collective knickers in a twist about most of these things. (I further think that we shouldn't have a collective approach to underwear at all.)

But I don't want politically incorrect joshing to cease to be taboo. Its funniness is partly dependent on the fact that it seems to us to be beyond the pale. How can one feel naughty if one doesn't think one is doing anything wrong?

Consider the following anecdote about a remark (apparently wrongly) attributed to Noel Coward:

'He was alleged to have been sitting under cover from the heavy rain next to his close friend Princess Marina, Duchess of Kent, prior to going in to Westminster Abbey for the Coronation service. Opposite them was another queen who had made her way into the affections of the British public, the vast Salote, Queen of Tonga. “Noël, who is that little man sheltering under Queen Salote’s umbrella?” asked his companion. Coward peered through the rain. “Oh, her lunch, my dear.”'

The reason that's so funny is because it is a knowingly naughty remark. If Coward - or whoever really said it - had actually been a racist, it would have been a totally different kind of humour. There's a world of difference between a joke like that and the kind of hate-filled one liners some of the dinosaur club comics deal in.

Is it hard to tell the difference sometimes? Maybe. But it's worth the effort both to allow ourselves the chance to laugh at something clever and to steer clear of humour that really hurts people (and such humour most assuredly does exist, I'm afraid).

Anyway, here's Dave setting Anglo-German relations back a few years.

The Champ

The champion, inevitably, entered the room to the ghastly sound of rap music. Henry stared straight ahead in a manner which was ultra focussed, even though he looked gormless. So many times he’d wanted to explain that his features simply arranged themselves in a certain way and that his brain was in much better shape than that of most boxers. But it didn’t do to get into such arguments with the quick-witted ponces who appeared on TV and in the papers. Those were fights he couldn’t win.

This was one he could; he was sure of it. No matter what the ponces said.

The next few moments passed by in a blur. The champ preened and danced around, acknowledging his adoring fans with waves. The referee brought them together in the ring, and as always Henry refused to make eye contact. The ponces would have something to say about that too. Apparently it wasn’t enough to get in the ring with the heavyweight champion of the world – you had to look hard as well.

No matter. Henry didn’t value their opinions. It was nice when someone said ‘well done’ or asked him for an autograph, but he measured his worth according to his own conscience. If he knew he’d done a good job – or a bad one – nothing anyone else said made a blind bit of difference.

A quick conference with his cornermen, a slap on the back, and the bell rang. Henry skipped forward. He wasn’t going to get anywhere without coming forward. You couldn’t evade the champ for very long. Whatever flaws he had as a man, the champ was a superb boxer. He could fight on the inside. He had one of the best left jabs of all time – in any weight division. His hand speed was remarkable. He might not have been the biggest hitter to have held the title, but he could sting you to death with a flurry of punches.

Henry knew that pain was going to come, and it didn’t take long. The champ was all over him in moments, and Henry found himself against the ropes. Lip, nose and forehead were tattooed with blinding speed. The champ added a couple of digs to the ribs. If this was going to be a long night it was going to be an ordeal – one of the ponces had said that he hoped for Henry’s sake it didn’t go beyond three rounds. The champ knew how to punish a man as well as how to win a boxing match.

Henry clinched where he had to (there was no room for pride when you were up against the champ), loosed off a couple of half decent jabs, and tried to get inside. But it was incredibly tricky – hand speed counts at close quarters as well as at longer range, and Henry knew that the champ had the beating of him for quickness.

His trainer knew it too. George had been chosen above all for his honesty. Henry had no time for yes men or bullshitters. If he was going to win big fights, he needed people on his side who told him what he’d need to do. He didn’t LIKE getting up at 5 to break the ice and swim in a lake, but if that’s what it took to be champ, what did liking have to do with anything?

And that was the first round – Henry being made to look like a bit of a prat by the champ, but not that much of one. He’d been in with bigger hitters, and as long as he didn’t take liberties Henry reckoned he could go the distance. But that wasn’t going to be a barrel of laughs judging by the fight so far – and how the Hell was he going to win?

George told him he was doing fine, and to stick to the game plan. He had to fight his fight, no matter what the champ threw at him. Now was not the time to improvise or try something flash. Honest advice for an honest fighter.

The bell rang for the second round. This time Henry did look into the champ’s eyes. The champ grinned back. This was going to be an easy night for him. Another payday courtesy of the latest bum of the month.

They danced around each other for a bit, and the champ sent in a couple of zingers. The precision of his jab was unbelievable. The ponces reckoned that his five knockouts from jabs were evidence of his power. George and Henry knew better. The champ had knocked people out with his jab after turning them to jelly for several rounds. Then he’d picked out their temple like a smart bomb and sent them to the canvas. He wasn’t a powerhouse; he was a state-of-the-art weapon.

But Henry wasn’t afraid. Whatever happened, he knew he had to test himself by facing the champ. He wasn’t a loudmouth about it, but yes, he’d rather die in the ring with the champ than run away scared. He’d known cowardice as a boy, and he wasn’t going to know it as a man.

There was a distinction between cowardice and incaution though. Henry kept his guard up, he skipped away when he had to, and he tried to keep out of range of that jab. He didn’t fancy another spell on the ropes either. But he knew that his default setting had to be on Forward. Forward into the threshing machine, to have half a chance of breaking it.

The champ was delighting in his effortless brilliance and superiority. All week he had been lording it over Henry and everyone else. He wasn’t a gifted showman, but he had the arrogance down pat. And he’d just loved telling everyone that even the Brits were rooting for him and not Henry.

Now he was goading Henry again. Chuntering away nine to the dozen, winking at him, dropping his guard, dancing on his toes. Henry had to keep his cool and not be drawn into a brawl. There were plenty of cobbles fighters who thought they’d be able to smash up a boxer like the champ, but Henry was well aware that this was a dream.

So he stayed cool and he carried on fighting his fight. Just like George had trained him to do. Meanwhile, the champ taunted him, and acted the fool.

Then it happened - in an instant.

It was a solid left hook, but it didn’t feel like anything special. Henry had been throwing lefts like this since he was a lad. Sometimes they had an impact, sometimes they glanced off his opponent’s jaw with no obvious effect. This one sent the champ sprawling. Henry looked down. The champ was spark out.

The crowd was going berserk, but Henry was transfixed as the referee went through the count. He kept expecting the champ to get up. He didn’t. The crowd got louder. Someone careered into Henry’s back. It was George.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not in the second round. Probably - Henry had been unable to avoid admitting to himself - not at all. He wasn’t going to win on points in America, so he knew he had to try to take the champ out. But in the second round? He just hadn’t prepared for that possibility.

And now Henry felt something he hadn’t felt since he decided to punch one of the school bullies back. He felt scared. It was a scene of his own making, yet it was impossible to take in. He’d knocked out the champ. No – he’d knocked out the guy who used to be the champ.

Henry’s old life was over forever.
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