Herewith some of the things the Tory Leadership candidates said this week – in case you missed any.
David Davis‘We were so poor that sometimes I had to go out and collect pebbles. My mum would put them in the pot – yes we only had one pot, and that was second-hand – and she’d pour boiling water over them. Hey presto, soup. You know that Charlie Chaplain scene where he eats a boot, the one everyone thinks is so funny? I never laughed at that. I’ve eaten plenty of boots in my time. Probably why I’m as tough as old ones.’
‘If you’re thinking of voting for someone else, I just suggest you ask yourself this question: “Could my preferred candidate press the button if that was what was needed?”. I could press the button. I’m used to this stuff. Look, I’m not in this to win the Nobel Peace Prize.’
‘Yeah, Hague’s OK. We went walking in the hills the other day. Of course I had to slow down from my usual pace, but he did fine. Good guy. I might make him Chancellor – he’d be good at all the number-crunching that I don’t have time for. Just don’t tell me that his judo would do him any good if me and him got it on. It doesn’t work in a real fight.’
‘I’m actually very bright. I was at Warwick University. That’s part of the Russell Group, which is our version of the Ivy League. So Warwick is basically the same as Oxbridge. Sometimes when people ask me where I went to university, I just say “Oxbridge”. It saves having to explain it all.’
‘I’m confident I can beat any of the other candidates. For length AND girth.’
‘I was talking to Andy McNab the other day, whom I know well from my SAS days. Of course that’s not his real name. I could tell you his real name, but I’d have to kill you (laughs) … No, but seriously, I would have to kill you.’
David Cameron‘My favourite album is
Straight Outta Compton by NWA. I truly believe that until every member of the Shadow Cabinet is happy to approach any African-Briton and say “Yo my Nigger, wassup, peace”, this Party simply hasn’t got a chance of forming the next Government of the 21st Century.’
‘Did you see that moron Davis trying to speak? He can barely read! It’s just as well that his first and last names are so similar – I doubt he could remember them otherwise. I can speak fluently without notes for hours if I have to. That’s the difference.’
‘I believe every child should have access to a first-class education, regardless of their background. So I will send every boy to Eton, and every girl to Benenden. That’s thinking outside the box.’
‘I wasn’t wearing ties long before even Michael Portillo wasn’t.’
‘The food in Blackpool is terrible, inexcusably so. Why should only us metropolitan types be able to enjoy dining at places like Whites?’
‘You see, Ken’s problem is that it’s TOBACCO he’s involved with. It’s fine to be into sugar, like Davis was, or drink, like I am. But tobacco is basically heroin as far as modern people are concerned. And flogging it to Vietnamese kids? Tut, tut. NOT the way the win
The Guardian over, I suspect.
‘Whom would Jade Goody vote for? That’s the test.’
Ken Clarke‘Look, we all know I’m the only person who can win. How many other members of the Tory Party do you think the public even recognise? You may as well just bloody vote for me. It doesn’t bother me though. I’m just as happy to spend the next few years in my slippers, cigar in hand, listening to Theolonious Monk.’
‘No I don’t want wine, I want beer. And so do the British public.’
Liam Fox‘My name is Liam Fox, and I’m 8 ½ years old.’
‘When I was a doctor, I had to be able to look at naked women and not laugh. So I’m definitely grown-up enough to be Prime Minister.’
‘If the bad people try and get us, I’ll just throw a nuclear bomb at them!’
‘You know I’m friends with Natalie Imbruglia, don’t you? She’s a famous pop star and everything.’
Malcolm Rifkind‘It’s high time that the Conservative Party was led by a little bald chap with a curious accent.’
