Saturday, 29 September 2007

Tracey Crouch

Check out this blog from my friend Tracey Crouch, Conservative Parliamentary Spokesman for Chatham & Aylesford.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007


Herewith a recent review of a gig I did in Oxford. In some ways it’s my favourite ever.

Friday, 21 September 2007


Herewith some things that are currently annoying me. (They are in no particular order - they are all equally intolerable.)
1. The Post Office's monopoly
There are precisely no good reasons why this monolithic monster should have such a stranglehold on postage. I had to queue for an age today, only to be told that I would have to fall back out of line to purchase an envelope from another part of the building.
All this on top of having to go into town because my part of the city doesn't have a Post Office. We have instead a coffee shop. This wouldn't matter if I could toddle along to a different shop and post a letter through a rival company. I don't give a damn what the impact on the environment of the increased traffic would be, and I am utterly indifferent to the notion that some of the unionised arseholes would lose their jobs.
It would also mean I wasn't forced to endure (in a queue) the lengthy company of members of the lower orders. They are just about bearable from a distance, but their tattooed bodies and inane conversation are quite unacceptable for any period of time longer than two minutes.
2. People who wear their trousers low-slung
Exposing your pants is the act of a maniac and a pervert. You look f-king stupid. Why healthy adolescents should choose to mimic the dress style of the morbidly obese is beyond my (legendary) powers of comprehension.
3. Coffee shops and sandwich outlets
The only real problem with them replacing Post Offices is the lack of competition. My gripe with coffee bars (apologies to my friend Amelia who works in one) is that they are faggoty and homogenous. The same goes for sandwich shops, which have the added disadvantage of being staffed by prozac addicts who prepare one's order at a pace that would make a corpse blush, and who DON'T CLEAN THE F-KING MAYONNAISE OFF THEIR KNIFE.
4. Mayonnaise
I hate it beyond endurance. I hate its colour, its taste, its texture and its ubiquity. If I ever become convinced that someone somehow personifies mayonnaise, I will murder them.
5. The speed at which people walk
I am far too heavy. Yet I am continually amazed at how slowly 90% of the population walks. 5% of the population walks annoyingly fast, leaving only 3% of the population able to walk properly, as (I imagine) about 2% of the population can't walk at all.
6. Being expected to care
I basically care only about the welfare of my family and friends (which emphatically does include beloved pets). I have an academic interest in the welfare of others, and wish surprisingly few people real harm. But I don't lie awake at night worrying about the welfare of strangers, and neither do you. And if you DO, you are an emotional cripple and a moron. And you don't care enough about the people in your life.
People who are into charity are almost invariably self-absorbed to the fullest extent.
7. Strident belief in God
Appalling things happen. So do random things. A benevolent omniscient God simply doesn't exist.
There may be life after death and there may be an imperfect supernatural being (or beings), but the God of traditional mainstream faiths is a fantasy. Suggesting that there is a reason for earthquakes and cancer is obscene. And religious beliefs are no more worthy of respect or reverence than political ones. And faith and race are distinct things, and that fact has massive social implications.
8. Busy places
I hate crowds. Violently.
I also hate the fact that far too many people in this country can't or won't speak English. Learn it immediately, and don't expect us to accommodate your linguistic shortcomings in any way whatsoever.
9. Thick people
In my experience thick people are very rarely salt-of the Earth types or remotely admirable. Stupid people who ARE kind tend to be full-blown simpletons. Common or garden halfwits - who I will label 'the working class' for convenience - are revolting.
10. Women
God, you really are gullible, aren't you?
(By which I mean those of you who fell for that, rather than women.)

Thursday, 20 September 2007


I had a gig at QI in Oxford last night. It's a rather swish place - a bookshop and private members' club. They had an open night of comedy yesterday, and I headlined.

It was one of the few gigs I've done where I felt everything went right. I had fun with my material, ad libbed well, paced it expertly, and enjoyed myself. They will be no means always go that well, so it's worth enjoying them when they do.

In further good news, I have the great honour of opening for Reginald D. Hunter at the Free Beer Show next month. I am very excited indeed about this.

I am currently in the market for work as a freelance political researcher and / or writer. I can be contacted on

Friday, 14 September 2007

Get It Sorted

So what’s been happening in your world?

Sorry to have been so sporadic with the posting in the last few weeks. I haven’t really felt that there was anything I wanted to say. As ever I have been thinking a lot, indeed constantly. But much of what goes on inside our heads (certainly my head – I wouldn’t presume to know what goes on in someone else’s head) is largely meaningless chatter.

I’m back in Oxford, but with the students away fewer of my staple activities are available to me. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate my non-student friends, but rather an acknowledgement of something I am increasingly aware of: the importance of structure and discipline in life. Repetition and familiarity have much to recommend them, so long as what is being repeated is healthy.

I have rather an unstructured life. I do freelance work, which means no office to go into, and no need to follow standard work hours. I only perform stand-up comedy about once a week, and have no other regular shared hobbies. I don’t have set meal times, nor a television on which I could enjoy favourite programmes. I see friends quite often, but erratically. I don’t sit down and write comedy at set times. And as you probably have noticed, I don’t blog every day.

I think that all this is a problem, and something to rectify.

By the way, in my ‘umble opinion, k. d. lang’s version of the Leonard Cohen song Hallelujah is the best I’ve heard.

How wonderful it would be to be able to express oneself through song. I guess I’ll just have to keep reminding myself that the comedy offers an alternative route.

Monday, 10 September 2007

Enter The Lion

A few months ago - at a gig that starred personal hero Ricky Gervais, the sensational Tim Minchin, the brilliant Chris Addison and a string of top-class acts – Jeremy Lion made me chuckle more than anyone else, and indeed cry with laughter.

Here he is doing the same set.
Web Site Counter
Best Buy